Archive for the &;Reggie-the-alligator&; Category

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Reggie the Alligator: Cute CuzCaptured

March 8, 2011

The size of a cocker spaniel? That&;s what they said about my cousin, captured in Hemet in the low-rent desert, pockmarked with a few Florida-like artificial lakes. But he didn&;t get out much; it&;s a miracle he stayed as &;healthy&; at four feet and 50 pounds as they claim he was. They took him away and put him at &;Forever Wild&;, some kind of crazy alligator sanctuary in another desert shithole, Phelan. He&;s going to join 70!!! of our cousins there that they took out of people&;s houses.  I know we&;re cute and lovable, but come on people&;we grow up to be big gators with healthy appetites!  What part of that don&;t you understand?! The sanctuary worker, Joel Almquist, said &;It wasn&;t nasty, it was very well mannered.&;  Good manners are certainly native to cunning gators, buddy.  And cocker spaniels are for eating, my friend, and a tasty snack they are.

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Reggie the Alligator: My Cousin inMiddle School

June 8, 2010

They caught my cousin Simple in middle school the other day, and disgracefully tied him up with a stick before they no doubt made a pocketbook and matching belt out of him. Why would an alligator go to middle school? Simple: The students are still young and tender.

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Diary of Reggie, Alligator at Large, Entry

May 21, 2009

Oh my droogies, it has been a while between posting, but my WiFi access in this stinking zoo pond is, shall we say, intermittent. While I&;m online, I must warn you about an insidious threat to alligators everywhere: chicken.  Superman has kryptonite, we have chicken.  They play upon our weakness to capture us.  Just as I was lured, brother Texas gator was thrown in the pit of iniquity, brought down by the scent of a chicken, that he was not even allowed to eat!  Now he lingers in a wildlife facility, held for &;rehabilitation&;.  For what? The crime of alligatorhood? And in our Florida homeland, a young brother was broomed by a beast for smelling her cooking.  No chicken for him&;but at least he got a nice big bite of redneck.

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Diary of Reggie, Alligator at Large,

March 8, 2009

Sure, the alligator set the fire.  Sure, the alligator burned down the school.  He knocked over the portable heater.  He was probably cold&;what do you expect when you keep a four-foot alligator with 70 other animals in your house? Personally, I&;d blame the &;human&; behind all that&;not the scapegator.

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Reggie the Alligator Post

March 2, 2009

My brother!  My brother!  Oh, you were lost and now are found! If only someone had pointed you in the right direction, towards the canals!  There you could have lived a life of contented anonymity among the movie stars and the tattoed, snacking on the diseased ducks and the fish and the unwary poodle.  Yes, you would have fit in.  Instead, they caught you, put you in a trash can and turned you over to the herpetologists.  I just hope this isn&;t you.

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Diary of Reggie, Alligator at Large, Post

November 14, 2008

So now it&;s a state crime to buy a drink for an alligator?  Believe me, you&;re sitting around all day in this oversized bathtub they call a zoo, you&;d want a drink too. Alligator apologies for such a long time posting, but between my failed escape attempts and just lying around depressed, haven&;t wanted to say much. But now, Ziggy&;s here!  A friend! My kingdom for a friend! Or I&;m hoping, anyway. In LA, it seems like it&;s everyone&;s secret hobby to raise an alligator from a baby&;guess between the showers, sprinklers and pools, no one needs their bathtubs.  Not to mention the lowlives with their shark tanks&;now Bill Maher wants Barack Obama to have a shark tank in the White House?  Watch out, man&;we predators eat puppies. So get me a friend.  Or a drink, at least.

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Diary of Reggie, Alligator at Large, Entry

November 13, 2007

My apologies for not posting for a while.  I&;m just trying to get used to captivity. Like my late brother Poncho, I&;m practicing watchful waiting.  I&;m not very big yet, but maybe I&;ll get there on the slop they feed me.  Like the Red Hot Chili Peppers song Cabron (I am a tough LA banger, just like them.) &;I am small but I am strong,  I&;ll get it on with you.&; They say alligators are stupid.  Not as stupid as people.  Some guy breaks into cars on an Indian reservation behind the inevitable casino, the cops chase him and he dives into a pond to escape.  Not very smart so far&;worse because he didn&;t &;read the signs that warned of the danger of live alligators in the pond.&; To add insult to injury, they said, &;Some gators have a nasty disposition and he was a nasty gator. He seemed to have no fear of people which indicates that he was fed.&; Now the big guy, Poncho, has to die for doing what comes naturally to an alligator.  You jump in the pond, I eat you, end of story.  

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Diary of Reggie, Alligator at Large, Entry

September 29, 2007

They&;re exploiting me at the Zoo.  Or at least my image.  I&;m appearing on mugs, T-shirts, posters, advertising, you name it&;and not a nickel for Reggie.  Call my agent!

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Diary of Reggie, Alligator at Large, Entry

September 8, 2007

It&;s a bummer that they caught me, but at least it&;s been super hot.  Alligator weather. Like 25 people died here in LA, but at least they can&;t blame it on me&;I&;m penned up in here with these uncool LA alligators. I mean, like, they tell you they&;ll be your best friend and then they leave you lying there like a log, all by yourself.  &;You&;re over, Reggie,&; one of them even tried to tell me.  I thought of giving him a tail swipe, but I just walked away.  At least I got the kid audience.  Like Eddie Murphy.

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Diary of Reggie, Alligator at Large, Entry

August 15, 2007

OK, I ran for it.  I admit it. I got freaked out.  I mean, I was raised in a bathtub.  That&;s where I learned to climb walls.   Pretty cool for an alligator, huh?  But look at these people.  Wouldn&;t you run too?

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